WHEN The Doctor and The Colonel aren’t getting ripped off by Paul Hogan, they’re doing their bit for Warrnambool.This week, The Doctor has just returned to their secret headquarters in the Fletcher Jones Silver Ball after spending the day at the Warrnambool Art Gallery to find The Colonel wearing a novelty penguin costume and playing guitar.”Doctor, you’re just in time,” The Colonel said.”Why are you dressed like a penguin and playing my guitar?””I’ve been working on my side-career as a children’s entertainer,” The Colonel replied. “The costume’s to try and help me get in character for this children’s song I’ve been writing about the penguins and the Maremmas.””You’re too late, Colonel,” The Doctor said. “Barry Peters has already released a song about the very same subject. It’s called They Call Me Maremma.””My title is much better,” The Colonel said. “My song’s called How Can I Swim Now I’ve Only Got One Flipper?.”The Doctor winced. “I don’t think I like where this is going….””You haven’t even heard the song yet.” The Colonel cleared his throat, tentatively struck a chord, cleared his throat again and began to sing.”There was trouble on the island and the penguins needed savin’,From the killer dogs and foxes that were eatin’ all their babies,They sent Maremmas over and they’re supposed to protect ’em,But every now and then they get a hankering for penguin.””Colonel!” The Doctor said. “You can’t say that! I thought it was supposed to be a kids’ song.””No, wait,” The Colonel replied, “you haven’t heard the next verse yet…”Maremmas look real cuddly, like they wouldn’t hurt a flea,And at first it seemed as though they were guarding safely,But the corpses of the penguins were still found around the place,And the Maremmas all had suspect stains like blood around the face.”The Doctor was shocked. “Whoa!” he exclaimed. “Aside from your rhyme and metre being terrible, and your singing being in the wrong key, there’s no way you can sing that kind of stuff to kids.””Wait, you haven’t heard the chorus…”Please don’t kill me Mr Maremma,With your teeth sharp and pointy like a piranha.””Colonel, that’s horrible,” The Doctor said.”No, it’s not. It’s educational.””It’s not educational at all. Firstly, the Maremmas didn’t eat the penguins, they accidentally killed a couple. And they’ve done a great job at reviving the penguin population. And secondly, it’s far too graphic for a kids song.””You can’t keep the kids in cotton wool,” The Colonel said. “You have to open their eyes to the harsh realities of modern life. It’s a dog-eat-penguin world out there, Doctor.”
This article first appeared in Hangzhou Night Net.